Coping With the Death of a Child: An Administrative and Emotional Guide

Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences a person can endure. Whether due to illness, an accident, or sudden death, grief turns everything upside down: your sense of stability, your daily life, your vision of the future. If you are reading these words, you may be going through this storm yourself or trying to support someone who is. First and foremost, know this: your pain is legitimate, and you do not have to carry it alone.

Supporting grieving parents

The grief of losing a child does not follow a predictable timeline. Contrary to what some may believe, there is no “right” way to go through this experience, nor a point after which you should be “feeling better.” Every parent and every family experiences this loss in their own way.

Loved ones often feel helpless in the face of such a tragedy. Friends and relatives may distance themselves, unsure of what to say or afraid of causing more pain. Yet simple gestures matter immensely: silent presence, a meal left on the doorstep, a message sent without expecting an immediate reply. According to grief psychology research, social support is one of the most protective factors for the mental health of bereaved parents.

If you are a loved one who wants to help, here is what can truly make a difference: saying the child’s name (parents need to hear that their child existed and still matters), offering concrete help rather than vague offers (doing the groceries instead of saying “call me if you need anything”), and accepting that parents will experience ups and downs for a long time.

Understanding common emotional reactions

The loss of a child triggers intense and sometimes confusing reactions. You may feel overwhelmed by contradictory emotions that come in waves or overlap: profound sadness, anger, guilt, numbness, a sense of unreality.

Possible physical reactions

Your body may respond to the shock in many ways. You might experience overwhelming fatigue even after a full night’s sleep, chronic muscle tension, frequent headaches, digestive issues, or changes in appetite. Some parents report chest tightness or difficulty breathing deeply.

Sleep often becomes problematic: difficulty falling asleep, frequent nighttime awakenings, nightmares. These physical reactions are normal responses to major traumatic stress.

Possible psychological reactions

Emotionally, you may experience what are often called “waves of grief”: moments when pain resurfaces with renewed intensity, even months or years later. These waves may be triggered by a birthday, a song, a smell, or may arise without warning.

Guilt frequently accompanies parental grief.

You may blame yourself for not having noticed certain signs, not having acted differently, or even for continuing to live while your child cannot. This guilt, although understandable, is generally not based on objective facts but on the pain of not having been able to protect your child.

Some parents also go through a period of deeply questioning their beliefs, their faith, or the meaning of existence. Others feel anger toward the medical system, toward themselves, toward God, or even toward the deceased child for having “abandoned” them.

Managing significant dates (birthdays, holidays)

Birthdays, holidays, and meaningful dates become particularly difficult after the death of a child. The first year often brings a series of painful “firsts”: the first Christmas without them, their birthday, the anniversary of their death.

You can anticipate these moments by planning how you wish to experience them. Some families choose to maintain traditions, while others prefer to create new rituals. For example, on your child’s birthday, you might light a candle, bake their favorite cake, make a donation to a cause that mattered to you, or spend time in nature if that is what they loved.

There is no right or wrong way to go through these dates. What matters is allowing yourself to experience them according to your needs at the time, which may change from one year to the next.

Returning to work and the QPIP

Returning to work after the death of a child is a major challenge. In Quebec, the Québec Parental Insurance Plan (QPIP) provides up to 15 weeks of benefits for salaried parents whose minor child has died, with a two-week waiting period. These weeks may be taken consecutively or intermittently over a 20-week period following the death.

In practical terms, if your average weekly salary is $1,000, you will receive approximately $750 per week for 15 weeks. This is not a long-term solution, but it can give you some breathing room before returning to work.

Managing the return to work

When you return to work, you may feel that the world has kept moving while yours has stopped. Your colleagues may not know how to address the subject. It can be helpful to clearly communicate your needs: would you prefer that people talk about it, or that they let you bring it up yourself? Do you need a flexible schedule at first?

Do not hesitate to discuss temporary accommodations with your employer: reduced hours, partial remote work, or more frequent breaks. Many Quebec employers are understanding in such circumstances, especially if you openly communicate your limits.

When should you seek professional help?

Consulting a mental health professional is not a sign of weakness, but an act of self-care. Regardless of your symptoms or personal context, speaking with a professional can only be beneficial. Here are indicators that professional support may be necessary:

• You have suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm.
• You use alcohol or substances to numb the pain.
• You have been completely isolating yourself for several weeks.
• You are no longer able to carry out basic daily tasks.
• Your relationships are significantly deteriorating.
• You experience anxiety or depression that interferes with your functioning.

Where to find help

In Quebec, you can consult your family doctor, who can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Your local CLSC also offers free mental health services, although wait times may be long. For faster access, private-practice psychologists offer consultations, generally ranging from $100 to $200 per session, sometimes reimbursable through group insurance.

Organizations specializing in perinatal and childhood grief also provide support: Deuil-Jeunesse, Lumière, and Maison Monbourquette offer support groups and individual counseling.

How does grief evolve over time?

Grief is not a linear process that steadily moves from worst to better. It is more like a wave pattern: days when you feel able to function, followed by days when the pain returns with force.

Over time, most parents report that waves of intense grief become less frequent and shorter, even though they never disappear completely. You will never forget your child, and that is not the goal. Instead, you will learn to live with this absence and integrate the loss into your personal story.

Some parents find meaning by becoming involved in causes related to their child’s death, creating scholarships in their name, or raising awareness among other families. Others keep their grief more private.

There is no better path than the one that feels right for you.

Administrative steps in Quebec

Amid the emotional fog, you will unfortunately need to complete certain administrative steps.

First, you must obtain a declaration of death, usually provided by the physician or the coroner. This document is essential for all subsequent procedures.

You must then file a death declaration with the Directeur de l’état civil du Québec within 30 days. This declaration may be completed by a family member, the funeral director, or another close relative.

Once the declaration is completed, you will receive a death certificate or a copy of the act of death. Plan to order several copies (at least 5 to 10), as many organizations will require one: banks, insurance companies, QPIP, Retraite Québec, and the health insurance board.

Regarding health insurance, you must notify the RAMQ of the death to cancel the child’s health insurance card.

If your child was receiving benefits such as the family allowance or the solidarity tax credit, you must also inform Retraite Québec and Revenu Québec.

How to handle your child’s estate

The question may seem strange, but if your child owned assets (bank account, investments, inherited property), their estate must be managed.

In Quebec, a minor child cannot make a valid will. Their assets therefore automatically go to their legal heirs under intestate succession rules, usually the parents in equal shares.

If both parents are alive and in agreement, managing these assets is relatively straightforward. If one parent is deceased or there is disagreement, the situation becomes more complex and may require the intervention of a notary or a lawyer.

Available financial assistance

As mentioned earlier, QPIP provides up to 15 weeks of benefits in the event of the death of a minor child.

To qualify, you must have earned at least $2,000 in insurable income during the reference period, usually the 52 weeks preceding the application. You can apply online through the QPIP website within six months of the death.

If the death resulted from a workplace accident or occupational illness, the CNESST may provide financial support, although this situation is rare for children.

Some life insurance policies cover children. Check with your insurer to see if this applies to you. Financial assistance may also be available through charitable organizations or hospital foundations if the death occurred in a specific medical context.

How to organize a funeral for a child

Planning a child’s funeral is an especially cruel task, but it can also become a final act of love and care.

Personalized and symbolic ceremonies

There are no strict rules governing how a child’s funeral should unfold. You may choose a traditional religious ceremony, a secular celebration, or a combination of both. What matters is that it reflects who your child was and what matters to your family.

Some families opt for ceremonies that celebrate the child’s life: photos of happy moments, objects they loved, music they listened to, bright colors instead of traditional black. Others prefer a more solemn and reflective atmosphere. Both approaches are valid.

You may invite loved ones to share memories, read texts, or simply be present in silence. Some parents choose to speak themselves, while others ask a loved one to do so on their behalf.

For children attending the ceremony, it can be helpful to prepare them in advance by explaining what will happen, who will be there, and that they can express their emotions in whatever way feels right to them.

Ideas for commemorative rituals

Beyond the official ceremony, many families find comfort in more intimate rituals. Here are a few ideas that other parents have found meaningful:

• Planting a tree in memory of the child, creating a living place of remembrance.
• Organizing a release of biodegradable balloons or lanterns (after checking municipal regulations).
• Creating a memory box with letters, drawings, photos, and objects that evoke your child.
• Establishing a scholarship or making donations to an organization that mattered to them.
• Participating in a walk or charitable event in their honor.

Some families also create a memorial space at home: a corner with a photo, a candle, symbolic objects. This space becomes a place of daily reflection where you can feel close to your child.

What to do with belongings and keepsakes

The question of your child’s personal belongings will arise sooner or later, and there is no right time to address it. Some parents feel the need to clear out their child’s room quickly, finding it too painful to see their belongings untouched. Others prefer to keep the room as it is for months or even years.

There is no urgency. You can take all the time you need before touching anything. When you feel ready, here are a few options:

• Keep the most meaningful items in memory boxes.
• Transform certain clothing into a quilt, cushion, or stuffed bear (Quebec artisans offer this service).
• Give some toys or clothes to loved ones, organizations, or other children who could benefit from them.
• Create a photo album or memory book.
• Keep the room as a space of remembrance if you are able to and if it brings you comfort.

What matters most is following your own pace and honoring what feels right for you and your family.

Perinatal grief – Differences between perinatal grief and childhood grief

Perinatal grief refers to the loss of a child during pregnancy (miscarriage, stillbirth) or shortly after birth. While it shares similarities with the loss of an older child, it also has specific characteristics.

Parents grieving in a perinatal context often face a particularly painful form of social denial. Their entourage may minimize the loss by saying “it was early,” “you can have other children,” or “it’s nature.” These comments, though often unintended, deny the reality of the bond already formed with the child and the legitimacy of the grief.

Another major difference is that parents often have few or no tangible memories to keep. No photos, no objects, sometimes not even a chosen name or a funeral ritual. This absence can make grief more abstract and harder to integrate.

What flowers should you offer for the death of a child?

If you wish to offer flowers to a grieving family, certain choices carry particular symbolism.

White roses symbolize purity and innocence. White lilies represent peace and the soul at rest. Daisies evoke childhood and simplicity. Pink carnations symbolize lasting remembrance.

Rather than a large formal arrangement, you might opt for a simpler, more personal bouquet, or even a perennial plant that parents can plant in memory of their child. A fruit tree or flowering shrub can become a symbol of life and continuity.

Some families prefer that donations be made to a charitable organization instead of flowers. If this is mentioned in the obituary, respect that wish.

Finding the words: how to explain death to children

If you have other children, you are probably wondering how to tell them about the death of their brother or sister. This is one of the most difficult conversations a parent can have, and it is normal to feel at a loss.

Here are basic principles to keep in mind: use clear and direct words rather than euphemisms, adapt explanations to the child’s age, be honest while remaining reassuring, and allow the child to ask questions.

Examples of simple phrases

For children aged 5 to 8, direct phrases work better than metaphors:

“Your brother died. His body stopped working and he will not come back. This is very sad for all of us.”

“Death means that the body no longer works. The heart does not beat anymore, we do not breathe, we cannot move or talk.”

“Yes, you can be sad and cry. I am very sad too. We will go through this sadness together.”

“No, this is not your fault. Nothing you said or did caused your sister’s death.”

“It’s normal to be angry. I also feel that this is unfair.”

What is best to avoid saying

Certain expressions, though well-intentioned, can create confusion or anxiety for children:

Avoid “they fell asleep” or “they went away,” as this can create fear of sleeping or expectation of return. Avoid “God called them back” or “they had finished their mission on Earth,” as this can cause anger toward God or confusion. Avoid “they were sick” without explanation, as the child may fear that all illness leads to death. Avoid “you have to be strong for mom,” as this denies the child’s right to express their own grief.

Children understand concrete facts better than abstract metaphors. Stay as clear as possible while remaining gentle.

How to answer difficult questions

Children aged 5 to 8 often ask very direct questions that may surprise you: “Does it hurt to die?”, “Where is their body now?”, “Are you going to die too?”, “Am I going to die?”

Here are some response ideas:

For “Does it hurt to die?”, you can say: “The doctors did everything they could to make sure they did not suffer. Now that they are dead, they do not feel anything at all, neither pain nor comfort.”

For “Where is their body?”, depending on your choices: “Their body will be cremated, which means turned into ashes, and we will keep those ashes in an urn,” or “Their body will be buried in a cemetery, a quiet place where we can go to remember them.”

For “Are you going to die too?”, answer honestly but reassuringly: “Yes, one day I will die, because everyone dies someday. But I hope to live a very, very long time, until you are grown up and have your own children. Most people live to be very old.”

Children may ask the same question multiple times. This does not mean they did not understand, but that they need to hear the answer again to gradually absorb it.

Helping a child express their emotions

Children do not always express grief in the same way adults do. They may seem unaffected one moment, then suddenly collapse. They may play normally and then become irritable or aggressive. All of this is part of how they process loss.

Here is how you can support them:

Normalize all emotions. Tell them that sadness, anger, fear, and even joy are all acceptable and natural. Offer them ways to express what they feel: drawing, playing, writing, talking. Some children express emotions better through play than through words. Maintain daily routines as much as possible. Children feel safe in predictability. Be a model of emotional expression yourself. If you cry in front of them, they will understand that it is acceptable to show sadness.

Watch for signs that may indicate a child needs professional help: significant changes in behavior or school performance, regression to younger behaviors (such as bedwetting), frequent nightmares, social withdrawal, or expression of self-destructive thoughts.

In Quebec, psychologists specializing in childhood grief can support children. The organization Deuil-Jeunesse also offers free services specifically adapted to grieving youth.

FAQ on childhood grief

Crématel is here for you

The death of a child shatters everything you thought you knew about life. There is no shortcut through this ordeal, no magic formula to ease the pain. But you are not alone on this journey. Resources exist, professionals can support you, and other parents who have lived this loss understand your reality.

Take care of yourself with the same gentleness you would offer someone else going through the same experience. Your pain is legitimate, your grief deserves to be acknowledged, and your love for your child endures beyond death.